22nd April 12
It’s been three years already, and I want You to know that I can not imagine life without You in it anymore. You are a blessing, an enigma of all the good things I never thought I’d find. And with You I have found, the value of simplicity and of honesty with myself and those around me.
Come and go, they have entered my life, but it is still Your voice that draws me out from the dark. I have fallen many times upon my knees, in desperate prayer to have You hold me. I am unworthy, but still You have never held back from me any form of love. Even the love that deep in my heart, I know that I do not deserve.
And Dear God, I have danced with You for so long. Every now and then, someone tries to take me away from Your arms. And foolish was I to believe You were wrong, to grow impatient and frustrated when You would not let me dance with someone else.
But still You held on, and told me to wait. Wait, until someone special came. Foolish was I to believe You weren’t enough. You are, and You always will be. You are more than I can ever ask for.
But the music has been slowing down, and I’m beginning to see how far the dance floor we have crossed. And I’m drawn to smile that once belonged to one that sat half-way across the room. This time, it was You who offered my hand for a dance.
I find myself hesitant, because Your hands were all that I have ever known. And I’m terrified and anxious, confused and overwhelmed. But when the dance began it was like all the steps You taught were planned. It was effortless, and it was amazing.
I know that this dance might not last forever, and maybe we won’t always know the tune. But we’ll stumble through the steps, and awkwardly lean on each other when we wont know what to do. We’ll learn from each other, and we’ll be happy together for as long we can, for as long as You will allow it.
But Father God, my heart has always, and will always be with You. But I trust You, that his boy, so young and endearing has heard Your call, and in darkness, whispers Your name. Because I can not love one that does not love You, You are too much a part of me, too big of a portion of my soul.
And my Dear God, we might be in love. Hopefully, with each other, and hopefully, with You.
9th April 12
“You know, there are only to place to go from here right? Either we break up or..”
“Pakasalanan na kita, mahal?”
(Source: staypozitive)
5th April 12
three days late from when I’m supposed to because of all the requirements for school.
And though I’ve done this a dozen times before, the anxiety doesn’t really go away. Will I do well enough? Am I spiritually prepared enough? Am I fit enough for the task of leading people down this road?
To be honest, I never feel ready to serve. I always feel like I lack the strength, the skill, and the abilities needed. But I promise to give Him the reigns to my life, to my body and to my soul, that I may be enough to do what needs to be done.
May Your will be done.
4th April 12
whatever it was, and whatever it can’t be.
The song playing brought back memories of sleepless nights, shared songs and random conversations that weren’t quite the same with anyone else. But we know those days are gone, and we’ve both found a better place to be, and I’m incredibly happy for you, as I hope you are for me. I realized at that moment that I’ll always have a special place for you, for how I felt for you and for all the things you made better in me.
And I walked away that night with a smile on my face in the arms of someone else, as you probably did as well. Because I guess, there’s a reason why things don’t work out, and people leave. I know that I’ve found my something better, that there is a happiness that we can only find when we’re willing to let things go, when we’re willing to let people go.
But I guess these songs will still remind me of you, and every time I see this brand of chocolate I’ll probably still laugh. Because memories stay the same, even if the people in them have changed. And you’ll always be one that I’m going to smile about.
Thank you for being the one that got away, for being the one thing that didn’t work when I hoped it would. Because I guess, this time, I won’t make the same mistake with someone else. This time, I’m going to make an effort to show how I feel. This time, I’ll try my best not to walk away.
26th March 12
For the past few weeks, college choices have started dawning on me. I have a pending on my passing rates, since Georgetown results aren’t out yet for another few weeks. But so far, I have a 3 out of 3 with Ateneo, UP and FC.
I still can’t imagine that I got the half scholarship to go to Switzerland, and I can’t imagine that after all I went through to get it, I didn’t accept it. Who does that? Give up the chance to study in a top tourist destination in Europe. But I did, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m going to regret it just yet.
Because really, just the idea of living alone in college scares me. Scratch that, living alone is one thing. Living in another country where they speak four other languages is another thing. Not to mention I can’t cook, or manage bank accounts, or drive yet. I’m heavily undomesticated.
But what really made me want to stay was my family. I’ve had a grandparent die each year since freshman year, and really, it makes me realize how I’m never really sure if they’re all still going to be here when I get back. After college, I get a job, move out, have a family of my own, and my siblings would be doing the same things. These are our last few years together under one roof. And perhaps, there are more important things than freedom.
And I’ll be questioned for what I’ll say, but I’m choosing to go to ADMU instead of UP because of personal reasons. Because I like the environment, and I think it would be healthier for me. I’m also much more drawn to the Management Engineering rather than Industrial Engineering. I’ve already selected a dorm, and I promised my parents I’d give it a year before I decide to head off anywhere else.
